What I Learned In Boating School Is. . .

This past weekend, I went on a trip. My second flight, ever, led me to the green expanse of the hills and trees of Indiana. I fell in love. I did not only like my time there, not only enjoy it, not only have a great time, I LOVED it. During this vacation I learned:

     1.) I have some relationships that really need repaired. Before the vacation, I witnessed 5 siblings. Five siblings that are living their lives stuck in their pasts. Stuck in broken childhoods and broken-ness in general. Stuck. I saw that and I disliked it, so much. But, that's exactly where I am. If I keep going how I'm going with certain people in my life, I will be stuck. Right there, where they are. I don't want that. I long for restoration. For healing. For unification. Running away from these problems is not at all helping the situation. I also got to see the siblings unite for the weekend. Have a lovely time together and forget about other things that may have happened. My part in my relationships and how they end up is significant and I have to play a part to restore them.
     2.) I am only sixteen and I long to be a kid. This past weekend, I got to run around with my cousins and be SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. Not a mother, not an adult, not even a college student, a sixteen-year-old child. I can't even begin to explain the joy that came with that. The freedom. The peace. Growing up, we were expected to act grown up and mature. People we didn't even know would praise us for how well-behaved and how wonderful of kids we were. But, the me that people saw as a kid was a little robot. Doing the right things at the right times so everyone would look at me and praise me for being "so grown up." This weekend, I didn't have responsibilities. I got to run around in forests, jump over streams, climb trees, jump into algae-filled pools, take dares, wrestle, have silent pillow fights, ride ATV's, sit and talk with my mom and cousins, enjoy my time spend with family, and be sixteen. I can't even begin to tell you the joy that came in that. The freedom to spend time with my cousins and just BE. They are wonderful and I appreciate the love and acceptance they showed me.
     3.) I fell in love with Indiana and my family that lives there. When I had to leave, there was a literal ache in my heart. As I write this, I think of the joy of the time but also, the longing to reunite with them once again. And, it hasn't even been a week. I fell in love with the green hills, beautiful forests, and winding roads of Indiana. Not only that, I fell in love with my family that lives there. From them, I received more love and acceptance from some of the people I've known my entire life and I've only met all of them TWICE. It's so incredible.
     4.) I believe my time here, in Arizona, is coming to a close. I have learned so much in my time here but, there are other places that God is calling me to. After fervent prayer, discussions with Godly women in my life, and a heart-to-heart talk with my aunt, I believe that God has shown me in Arizona what He wanted to show me all along. And He is calling me to be elsewhere. He needs me to fix my relationships at home, spend time being 16 years old, and grow closer to Him in another place.

Maybe, all along, God wanted me here for me, and not for Aunt Deborah, Aedan, Martha, and Adam. Yes, there are seeds planted here. Yes, healing is here. Yes, I enjoy my time here. Yes, this is my HOME away from home. Yes, I love them as my own family. But, God is using this time to grow ME. And to move ME. And to teach ME. And to love ME. Which I came into this not at all expecting any of that. Nothing for me. Just for everyone else.

More on this subject later. There's SO much to catch up on... (I have to take over watching Aedan for a while.)

(Melodie, if you read this, I hope you laughed at the title and you know what it means. ;) I see you and that character having much in common when it comes to driving school. :P You know, I'm only joking, and you're already learning to be a MUCH better driver than him.)

Extended Family

My mind is mangled, twisted, torn.
My thoughts are ragged, tired, worn.
My heart yearns for family near and far,
As I wish upon the night's first star.
What to do, what to do.
With each passing moment,
I live.
Free, wild, spirited, loved.
But there are times like these when I'm not sure.
Why do people do the things they do?
Why can't people let go of past?
What happened to forgiveness?
I long for hearts to be sewn together again.
As family draws together,
I pray we never part.
Extending out over mountains and plains,
Family lives strong through every joy and pain.
Can't we live like there's no tomorrow?
Love eachother and have no sorrow?
One day, we will be good at this "family thing"
We will all forget pasts.
We will live for today.
We will love each and every one.
We will be family as God intended.
Until then,
We work, we mend,
We build, we tend.
We love, we live,
We laugh, we hug.
We are family.

Another List...

I have learned a number of lessons in the past few days.

• Brooms and flying dirt really excite children and dogs.
• If I am not paying attention, God will quiet my world to make me listen.
• Jon Foreman is an incredible musician.
• Dirty diapers (and anything for that matter) belong where dogs and children can not get to them.
• I have a lot of people praying for me.
• God has given me gifts so I can enjoy them but, most of all so others can enjoy them and they can be used for His kingdom.
• I enjoy rain a lot.
• I'm hungry most of the time- I need more protein in my diet.
• No matter how many dishes I wash, dry, and put away there will still be more to do. (This goes for toys, too)
• God is answering my friendship prayers by bringing people into my life.
• I enjoy listening and watching.
• I am not a morning person. Screaming children make this worse.
• Some people would do anything for my safety, this comforts me.
• My little sister is growing up. I look at her pictures and see parts of me in her face. And her chubby cheeks are starting to leave. What will I do without them?
• Sending and receiving letters excites me.
• I feel so much more alive when I eat well/ exercise.
• Not being able to drive makes me antsy.
• I am afraid of physical contact with people. God is helping me overcome this. SLOWLY, but surely.
• Some people may never learn but, that doesn't mean we need to stop trying. God never gives up on us.
• I am okay with summer dresses.... In fact, I enjoy them.
• When a child sees water, they will want to touch, or swim, in it.
• I need to get out of this habit of listing everything.....

That's all I have for now. I will try to blog more so I don't have to list.

One Word In Common: God

As I read through everyone's blogs, I feel the need to write my own. But, what about?

I read:
Chris and Mel's Blogs: Full of learning to love one another and God.
Livingston Blogs: Full of struggles as well as the overcoming of those, with God.
Tisha's Blogs: Successes and failures of seven kiddos= with God.
Stephanie and Elizabeth's Blogs: Their journeys on drawing closer to God.
Alyssa's Blogs: Her updates of her beautiful life with Chad and God.
Joel's Blogs: His updates of California life and the presence of God.

Truth is, we all have something in common. The big, three letter word: GOD. Through our struggles... Through our joy... Through our pain... Through our laughter... Through our lives... Through our love... Through our everything... GOD. This got me thinking...

God is here. With each person. In each way. He meets every need. He wipes away every tear. He brightens the corners of every smile as well as the frowns. I have the opportunity to read about the way He is working in every single one of our lives. Through every little thing. In every little way. God is overwhelming. God is all knowing. God is all seeing. God loves all. Not only is He working in us but, He is working through us too. Every single one of us. Whether we believe it or not. I am learning this more every day. As I had a discussion with a friend last night, he helped me to realize that there is more to life than the what the world says. To have happiness, and a sense of being content, we need to grasp onto God. Grasp, hold tight, don't let go. Through everything. Because He's not going to let go of us.

With this talk with my friend came the realization that I am not alone. I feel lonely. I feel frightened. (Loneliness is was my biggest fear.) I am learning to overcome that fear. By the blood of the lamb. In my life, I am not alone. I am not alone. Yes, I will feel lonely. But, I am never alone. God is here. Every step. Every hop. Every skip. Every jump. Every trip. Every fall.

And, even though we're miles apart, I have friends. I have friends who love me. Even if I am states away from home. I am learning to rely only on God. But, I am also learning that there are people in my life that are put here for a reason. They will be here too. Every step, hop, jump, trip, and fall.

Thank you Dad, Mom, Melodie, Zachary, Alyssa, Stephanie, Ryan, LaKeisha, Chris, Wooree, Taylor, Joel, Audrey, Aaron, Becca, Jelissa, Kristie, Monica, Tisha, Elizabeth, JC, Renae, Kim, Dillon, God. For all helping me to realize that I have friends who care, too.

Seven kids, states away from home, overseas, new marriage, long journeys, new relationships, bad pasts, or even the feeling of loneliness- God is present. In whatever it may be.

Heavy On The Oranges. No Pulp.

I like cooking. I like the little, intricate parts of cooking. The chopping garlic, peeling oranges, opening new ingredients, even washing up afterwards. Today, I made fruit salad.

Looking down the isle of fresh fruit, my mouth began to water. I could just taste all of the exuberant colors in my mouth. I picked out oranges, bananas, strawberries, and apples for a fresh fruit salad. Fruit salad is my weakness.

Peeling the oranges for my salad, I was completely content. Truthfully, I prefer not to taste or even smell oranges but, I love to peel them. When I peel oranges, I don't just peel the outside skin, I peel every little white stringy thing from the inside of the peel. Intricate, time consuming work: Just the work for me. As I peeled, I remembered a talk with Joel Helzer last night about college. I began to ponder college as I peeled the oranges. Every little string, one at a time.

One night over dinner, Aunt Deborah and I spoke about my love for cooking. When asked why I wasn't going to go to college for cooking, I answered, "I don't know." Joel told me he does not like when I say I don't know. But, I honestly did not know. So, today, as I peeled one little string at a time, I began to think about that.

I'm going to college for Nursing. But, why not Culinary? Well, I want a challenge. The small, intricate peeling of oranges reminded me of every small, intricate stitch, shot, and pill I will administer. I want a challenge with my life. I want to serve. I want to help people become healthy. I want to be a nurse even though I know nothing about it. I enjoy cooking. I enjoy playing music. I enjoy cleaning. I enjoy teaching. I enjoy taking care of children. But, I long for nursing.

When I finally was quiet enough to hear what He was saying, I heard God. Mmm, right. This is NOT about me. This is about God and His plan for my life. Where God should have scissor kicked me in the head and screamed at me to shut up, He simply whispered to me, "Listen." I knew right then that He didn't only want me to shut up and listen to him right then, but always. With these decisions, He knows what's going to happen. I need to be open minded and listen to what He has to say, above all.

For tonight, I peel oranges for pleasure. Cook for pleasure. Play music for please. Clean for pleasure. Teach for pleasure. Take care of children for pleasure. But, I study nursing for not only pleasure, but for my career as well. Tomorrow, who knows. That might change. All I need to do is listen. Next year, I will be taking my gen-eds at Ozark Christian College. Who knows what God's plans are from there. I long for and will follow every single one of God's plans. (Even if I'm still secretly hoping for Nursing. ;)...)

Realizing I have put 4 oranges in a small fruit salad for 2, I set the table. Listening to every word God's saying. Dinner is served. In And Out Burger with fruit salad on the side. Heavy on the oranges. No little white stringy things pulp.

Home Sick.

I am at home, literally sick. And I am home-sick. Mmm. Fun. I decided I am going to write a blog about everything I miss. Ramble on and on about what I miss. And then, I'm going to get over it. This is my choice and I love it here. It's pointless spending the 4 months I have here sitting around, moping. I need to get it out and get over it. Sure, I will still miss it. But, I won't sit around moping all of the time.

I miss:

• Mom
• Dad
• Alyssa/Chad
• Melodie
• Zachary
• Stephanie
• Extended Family
• Friends
• Church Family
• Snow
• Falcon High School
• My animals
• Waking up in my bed at night knowing Stephanie is right there.
• Having my family (Stephanie included) to joke around with/talk to all of the time.
• Dinnertime with 6 people.
• Playing cribbage with my dad.
• Playing World of Warcraft (yes, I'ma nerd) with my brother.
• Taking pictures with Melodie.
• Listening to sermons with Stephanie.
• Turning on light switches and having a light turn on.
• Mountains.
• Playing my guitar.
• Telling people that they have to wait until the second "Sage Crest" to turn.
• Being able to hang out with my friends.
• Having friends that live in the same state as me.
• Getting piercings with "the girls"
• Dates with my dad.
• My mom nurturing me when I am sick.
• UFC nights with my family.
• Having free roam of Stephanie's clothes. ;)
• Feeding my horse every morning and night.
• Snuggling on the couch to watch movies.
• Family game nights.
• Sleeping through the night.
• Sleeping in on weekends.
• Doing yard work.
• Late nights at Kim's house with her and the kiddos.
• Walking to the Angier's after work.
• Hanging out with Cassi.
• Seeing Morgan Child at theDistrict and talking about "good old times"
• Going on missions trips with the church.
• Talking to Lisa and Aly at lunch at school.
• Shopping with the "girls"
• Sylvan Learning Center.
• Having a job.
• Blankets and drowning up under them.
• Late nights at Audrey's with Audrey, Becca, Chris, Aaron, Wooree, Stephanie, Melodie, Josh, and anyone else who wanted to join.
• Riding horses to a friend's house.
• Smiling when I see Facebook posts that I was involved in.
• Riding horses with Kaylee, Nicole, and Starla.
• Going to theDistrict to see all my friends and learn more about God.
• Meeting with the youth group on Sunday nights.
• Worship with Meridian Point Church.
• Volunteering at the MPC.
• Weekends (or weeks!) at the Livingston's house.
• Boba.
• Listening to Alyssa sing on Sunday mornings and being proud of who she's become.
• Being a part of family events.
• Seeing Melodie and Chris so happy together.
• Friends that I had just been getting to know.
• Using the dishwasher.
• Baking.
• Cleaning the house with music blasted.
• Certain friends at Falcon that would brighten my days.
• Being a student aid to Stacey Warren.
• Having a schedule.
• Food with sugar.
• Helping Zach with his math homework.
• Bible verses in my shower.
• Watching The Office with Mel, Stephanie, and Zach.
• Having movie or Killer Bunny nights and Nate and Anastasia's.
• Babysitting Christopher, Aaron, and Timothy.
• Dad helping me with all of my computer problems.
• Waking up or coming home to little notes from Stephanie.
• Being able to drive mom around town.
• Learning how to drive stick shift with my dad.
• Being cold.
• Creating inside jokes that no one understood.
• Prayers with the "group" at Audrey's.
• Meeting all of the people that came to my house for hair cuts.
• Washing dishes with a sponge.
• Vaccuuming.
• Being able to go to the doctor.
• Preparing, eating, AND cleaning with everyone in my family.
• Visits from Alyssa and Chad and hearing about what's been going on with them.
• Buying skinnies for my little brother without my mom knowing. ;)
• Stairs in my house.
• Watching Biggest Loser with the family.
• Asking Alyssa to proof-read my papers.
• Being able to have coffee with people and speak in person.
• Concerts with my friends.
• My friends at theDistrict.
• Sharing old memories.
• Being reminded of my "i love you paper" by Faith.
• Playing guitar with Nick Mayer.
• Runnning through the streets of downtown with "the group"
• The kids of Meridian Point Church.
• The students at Sylvan Learning Center.
• The staff at Sylvan Learning Center.
• Watching scary movies with the Yenters.
• Seeing my friends from Ozark when they come down to visit.
• Probably more than I'm even writing down.
• Not being so alone.
• Being "in the loop" with what was going on
• Home.

I dislike:

• Not being able to go to senior activities.
• Not being able to see baby kittens and watch them grow up.
• Not being able to train my horse before I go off to college.
• Not being able to hang out with my sisters whenever I feel like it.
• Having to dial 7-1-9 in front of just about every number I call.
• Being in a school where I don't learn anything.
• Waking up in the mornings thinking that there will be green walls and Stephanie will be there.
• Staying up late thinking about all of the things/people I miss.
• Not having anything I need at my fingertips (fingernail clippers, needle and thread, radio, etc)
• Not being a part of the stories that are being created within my family.
• Not wearing hoodies because it's so warm.
• Not bring able to wear the colors blue, red, and green to school.
• Not being able to bring a backpack to school.
• Having to figure out what time it is somewhere else so that I know if I can call.
• Not being able to do P90X with the girls.
• Missing four months of Melodie and Zachary growing up that I won't be able to get back.
• Having to tell people that my hair stylists lives in Colorado when they ask.
• Not knowing my way around.
• Feeling so alone.
• Missing everything/everyone so much that it hurts.

And now... I'm going to get over it. Sure, I'll still miss it. I'll still miss things and people. But, I'm going to move on with my life because moping around all of the time is ridiculous. I miss you guys. A lot.

My prayer is that I will learn to love what I have here more than I miss my home. This is the life God has chosen for me and I love it. I'm just too busy relying on how much I miss home. So, I'll miss it. But I'm not going to live my life revolved around how much I miss it.

The End. (My next blog will not be so depressing. I just needed to get it out.)

A Little Secret

Here's a little secret about me. It's really nothing at all. Just something I've never told anyone until now. (Oh, something you need to know first: Here at Aunt Deborah's, we wash all of the dishes by hand.)

I love washing dishes.
When I wash dishes, I think. When I think, I don't think of anything really deep or compelling. I think of weird things. I think what would be gross to eat if I didn't clean the dish full. This is hard to explain so here's an example:
If I were to wash a glass that had coffee in it, if it wasn't all the way clean and someone ate ice cream out of it, it would be gross. (Yes, I eat my ice cream out of a cup.)

Sure, anything would be gross if you didn't clean it all of the way and then it sat in the cabinet for a while... But, I still like to think of that. I don't know why...